I am sitting at school right now and it's about 1:12am. I wanted to mention a moment that I experienced a few weeks ago when I made a mental note to add my thoughts during that moment to my next xanga post, so here goes.

I was at the group BBQ for my dad's lab, and everybody was on their way over to the sand to play volleyball. For the past year, my most common action and response to being on the sand has been pretty simple, walk carefully and obviously, don't play any sports, but as of late, with all of the walking, elliptical-ing, and cycling (stationary) that I've been doing, I just feel worse and worse about having to sit on the sidelines when peeps around me are enjoying sports and being active. All those stationary exercises are good and all, but they really don't compare with sharing fun moments with those around you on the field. Now this post isn't some sort of pityfest, but rather, it's just a moment for me to put in words that I miss being able to run around without worrying that I will end up on a gurney being prepped for surgery. Heck, I remember my first ever soccer game in AYSO. I was alone in the backfield, running towards the action, and I ran so fast and carefree that I almost completely tripped over myself. I don't know if I'll ever have that moment again. I am sure that this is not even one-zillionth of the problems that others go through, but running around was a part of me that made me happy.

Disclaimer: I will get all my complaining done here on some other misc. thoughts on the web so people don't have to hear it in person. It frustrates me that people around me assume my leg is good to go. The fact of the matter is, my ankle hurts like CRAZY every time I get out of a car. It hurts when I get up from sitting for more than 2 minutes in a chair. Several times a day, a throbbing pain shoots down my tendon when I am doing absolutely nothing to it. . Yes, I can walk pretty fast now, but it hurts like f_cking hell. Because I never complain in person, doesn't mean my ankle doesn't hurt like f_cking hell.

Ahh well. Just a simple rant cuz my leg hurts like a mofo right now. Lates peeps.

I am happy to be back on a more consistent exercise routine now that I am quite a bit more limber. But the jet lag is still lingering. It's too bad that as of late I haven't been able to practice my usual routine of sleeping at 3am, but rather, I am falling asleep at around 12pm-1am.....or is that actually a good thing?

Had Zankou Chicken the other day. That place possesses a high potential of being my next food joint where I will eat too often and get sick of, but at least I will enjoy the ride. The list of illustrious places to hold this distinction includes: Chili's, Sizzler, Hurry Curry, and CPK. The places are still great, but more occasionally. Some places I wish I could eat at more often: Gushi, anywhere with a Gyro, and Ono's. But, it's all about location location location. too hard to get to these places, or parking around their areas sucks. I am probably only writing about this stuff right now because I am hungry.

Even though there's no place like home, I actually do miss Asia quite a bit. I think that a big part of enjoying Asia so much this time was having Sarah with me. She really was my partner in crime, as is the usual case, but in Asia, I just enjoyed walking around unfamiliar territory with her. I particularly enjoyed sitting in this restaurant called Asti Espresso or something like that and enjoying the air-conditioning, clean utensils, lukewarm water, and unreadable menus. The food was pretty damn good though. Linguini and clams. I had no idea what it was called in Chinese, but I just pointed at the menu, and the sucker showed up at my table. Ordering gelato was an entirely different ordeal. Apparently their flavors changed everyday, so they printed out a new menu everyday, but ALL the flavors were in Chinese! Basically, it resorted to me asking in Chinese if they had a certain flavor because having the waiter go through everything would have taken too long. Place was still enjoyable. Will definitely go there with Sarah for a long time.

There was this multipurpose store called Sheng-Li Department Store. Sold everything from dried squid to socks. I luckily managed to find a much-needed power strip for my laptop upstairs so I could watch "Be Cool" and Entourage on my computer while Sarah was gone since I was lonely. This place used to have a pet store that was directly connected to it. I am glad they remodeled and separated the two. There is something not quite right about buying a popsicle, looking to your left, and seeing a pig staring right back at you, or their comprehensive collection of beetles.

More to come later. too hungry.

Well. It's 3:04AM and this is probably my first ever Xanga entry, so to those in attendance, welcome, and prepare for some heated, and momentarily opaque and/or irresponsible comments.

I am pretty much a melting pot of emotions right now. Upset? Nah. Livid? Absolutely. Hurt? Not really. Gutted? Bingo. There are certain times in your life when things happen and you recieive a whirlwind of gut-checking feelings. Examples: Your first ever flunk; when you find out that you've gotten into your much-desired grad/professional school program; when somebody expresses their love for you; and yes, when "that thing," that you expected, actually happens in reality.

What is "that thing?" I won't get into it. But just let me say, that it is both heart-breaking, as well as refreshing at the same time. To confirm what haunts you, can be a spear through the heart, and a load off at the same time!!! Woohoo!!! I feel so fortunate.

Ever since my interviews ended, I did feel a sense of relief in that the hour long seminars, constant grilling, etc. etc., were over, for now at least. But I never did get a sense of complete closure. I always passed it off, because I can't do anything about it right now. After returning back from Asia, it is fairly clear to me that I did make some errors in judgement during the whole process. Initially, this didn't make me feel to great because the regret sank in, but shit, I'm 26. It's ok to live a lil right? This trip saw a small transition of mine into accepting not necessarily the fact that I am not cut-out for academia but rather, I should accept the fact that the bits and pieces of fear that prevent me from facing a life that I have always wanted but was too scared to seek, are simply that, lil bits and pieces, and not major limitations.

But to return to my previous rant, during the past several weeks, I think that I have felt like a number of things, some brought upon by myself, some by others. Here's an abridged list!

A failure, non self-sufficient person, fool, weakling, fool, fool, and fool.

That flucking sucks. So you know what. In order to practice so that I can properly confront what lies ahead for me, I will have to man up and see just how much I can handle.

My apologies for a downer as an opening entry. Perhaps some more gleeful stuff in the future.